Fearing the Unknown

It’s been awhile since I wrote for a couple reasons. First, it’s summer and time seems to get away from me this time of year. And secondly, I’ve been struggling and didn’t really want to talk about it. But that’s exactly why I started all this…to put it out there so that others didn’t feel alone in their struggles. So here I sit trying to put my feelings into words. Something I really hate doing.
I’ve struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. Some days are worse than others and the last couple months have been pretty bad. The trigger? The unknown future. I’m a planner and I like to have ALL the information possible. But when you have a child with a rare disease your information about what the future holds is limited. We really have no idea what struggles he will have as he ages. Even within the VACTERL community, no two people are alike. And add to that the fact that our oldest son will be a senior this year, when I look to the future my anxiety goes through the roof. Our lives are changing, our boys are growing up, and I don’t like it. I just want things to stay the way they are right now, because that’s what I know.
It all started several weeks ago when our oldest went to camp for the last time as a student. I’m trying to savor every one of these lasts but my anxiety started to creep in when I started to think about whether my youngest will be able to go on trips like this. Then I feel guilty for not just focusing on my oldest and before I know it, I’m close to a full blown anxiety attack. The rational side of my brain tells me I shouldn’t be worried about things my youngest can and cannot do several years from now but I can’t seem to help myself. It’s just the way I am wired. Like most parents, I just want my sons to have all the “normal” childhood experiences. The last thing I want is for him to feel left out because he cannot do something his friends can. Or worse, have a medical incident and end up getting bullied because of it. Kids can be cruel when facing something different and I want so bad to shield him from all that. Most parents dream their children will be extraordinary, and while I do hope for that, what I really want for him is normal. I fear him being singled out because of his VACTERL to the point it keeps me up some nights.
I realize that the only thing I can do to rid myself of this anxiety is to give it all to God, but sometimes that’s just so hard. It goes against my nature. I feel the need to take care of everything myself but I know I need to rely on Him more. God has even proven to me that I can rely on Him but yet I still struggle with this. Just last week, my son wanted to attend VBS at church. I almost told him no. If I’m being completely honest, I wanted to tell him no. It would have just been easier. He had several bad days the week before and there are not nurses to help him at church like he has at school. But he begged and begged and eventually I gave in and gave it over to God. I prayed and I prayed and the week went perfectly. Nothing bad happened, none of the worst case scenarios I played over and over in my head happened. What did happen was God answered my prayers and let him be “normal” that week. He had a blast and didn’t want the week to end. This gives me real hope for his future and calms my anxiety, at least for now.
The lesson in all this? God is in control, not me. I will never know what the future holds, only God knows that. So all I can do is try my best to live in the present and trust God with the future.